Confidence

Snowboarding went horribly. I felt bad the whole time, I knew I was going to have a problem learning it cuz there was so much people, and I just felt worse because I didn't know what to do. I felt bad for not knowing what to do at the very beginning because I didn't know how to put on the gear so I had to take forever when all the pros just wanted to go already. Mikey was off doing his own thing and busy talk and joking around with his friends so I didn't wanna ask. 

Then when we actually snowboarded I was fine at first, but I felt bad the whole time so I tried to rush myself to learn the shit and ended up falling the wrong ways that a couple of time my knees and wrists hurt already. Then when I wanted to walk down I kept telling Mikey to leave because we were already taking too long but he wouldn't leave. So then he said we should go down the expert hill  which he said would be quicker since it's straight down, but me being my first time and being afraid of heights just freaked out. I was already I confident to begin with, felt bad because I was such a slow learner, we already took almost two hours to get to probably a quarter of the way down, it's all my fault we were taking so long, it's my fault I suck, I feel bad because he wasn't running it with his friends, I felt embarrassed that we were walking down or sliding on my butt the whole way down while experts who passed us probably wondered what we're doing, so I ended up crying because I finally admitted to myself that I was scared of heights and it looked like I was on a cliff and I was scared we were going to get in trouble or worse fall down.  So I just lost it.

Right now I'm at the shop, in the corner. I really am tired, sore, and really don't have the energy to socialize right now. Don't even want to talk to Mikey because I feel bad that I wasn't pro enough. My confidence is just shot and I'm not in the mood to deal with anything--especially not anyone right now. I just feel like shit. And I know if I didn't go to the shop today, he probably wouldn't have gone so I feel like I'm holding back. I feel like shit right now.

I'm just gunna do my best to hide how I feel, worried it's not gunna show but I really don't want them to think I'm a bitch for being on my phone. Laughing at jokes when I'm really not in a good mood.. And they're making jokes about how One of their friends is having anxiety because he's scared his girlfriend is cheating,, although Mikey knows I know how that feels. He seems to always forget that.

 I'm just tired.