Don't even want to go anymore.

Lost my buzz and excitement for the convention.. Fucking thirty bucks spent for nothing, don't even wanna fucking go anymore. I told myself OMG it's worth it but again my mom makes me feel like shit for spending money. Everything's just fucking money to her. Woke up today with a hangover and a nightmare then she walks in the room saying "oh my god aren't you spending a lot of money already?" When she never, not even after so many years, doesn't realize that I have a tendency and fixation on making myself feel bad for spending even three bucks on shit for myself. I ALWAYS get the cheapest possible version of shit I need. Wtf. Yesterday I accidentally blurted out a fraction of what was bothering me about Mikey when he's with other girls, then the whole rest of the night he avoids talking to me. He proceeds to disappear and turn off his gps outta nowhere yesterday, which gets on my anxiety cuz everyone got on me "how could you lose your mans" even though I'm already socially anxious with them still. The whole night he doesn't speak to me and doesn't even wake me up to get outta the car when we finally are dropped off home. I already feel horrible because he treats other girls and gives them more attention than me. He calls them sexy and pretty,, jokes about grabbing one girl's ass,, he picked one of his female friends up all cute like when he doesn't even do that to me anymore. He even hugs her for what feels like a thousand years just because he's mad at her. Besides that, being socially anxious, I have no friends except him, so I have no one to vent to about it. Hell he doesn't even really care much. He's always on his phone, doesn't ask how my day was. Which I already am iffy about because I know I don't have a job and he does so my day has no right to be horrible. Yes, I know,, I have no fucking right to feel horrible about anything because I don't make my own money. But I fucking do feel horrible. Fucking shit.. Every time I try to make myself feel better so that I can get to the point of feeling confident enough to do something and get energized. Anything to get rid of the anxiousness, it always gets shut down.

 I already couldn't get shit done this whole week, and literally only got everything just yesterday so I couldn't even start what I had to work on yesterday, so waking up to my mom getting on me-- I just lost my shit.