Waking up

Waking up today wasn't difficult, just hard to get up. In the morning my boyfriend had to go to work, but while he was getting ready there was a conversation with his mom asking if I can drop her off at work then pick up or bring his sis to swimming practice. My boyfriend had been using my truck for the past month or two months because his was getting fixed so inevitably I'd have to use her car, which I haven't driven.

It was only 8a.m in the morning and I had slept the night before at 4a.m. because I wanted to make sure my sis was okay. She had been having relationship problems for almost a week now and had been crying by herself in the bathroom. At times she did want to call, but I know that I'm a lot more fake and awkward giving advice if it isn't through text so I had to make up some bullshit. I do feel bad about it.. Because I know how it felt actually needing to hear a voice when you were crying, but I felt I would have been more helpful to her through text.

This morning I couldn't go back to sleep because I was anxious about having to sit in the car alone with his mom. I'm afraid she was going to bring up school, if she was going to ask why I don't have a job. I wanted to drive her because I really didn't have plans today, but I ended up having a hard time going back to sleep because it was so hard to breathe. I felt like I wasn't getting any oxygen and I tried to blindfold myself to make it darker because I have a hard time sleeping with light. I ended up not falling asleep that morning until 1030, just tossing and turning, still trying to breathe and get oxygen.

I woke up to my alarm having a small heart attack while doing so which was beginning to become routine for me because I've had it many time before. The drive ended up not being that bad because most of the times I just brought up questions of where to go since I didn't know the route to go to her work since they had been doing construction. The whole time I was trying to keep a calm straight face, hoping to god I didn't seem awkwardly silent. I wanted to bring up small conversation but my mind just went completely blank. Thankfully I bought gum the other day to at least be doing something while we were stopped at the lights. The whole time I was praying I wouldn't mess up. Like would I stop too hard, what if I press on the gas too hard and too fast? What if I hit someone by accident? Then after I dropped her off there was a police on my block so I probably messed up the parallel parking by a whole lot, even though I know I'm doing nothing wrong at all!!

So now I'm at home again, which I need to say isn't my house, it's technically my boyfriends family's house. His grandmother told me there food downstairs, but I'm probably not going to eat it, because it's difficult for me to feel like I should be getting food--since it's not my house and since I'm scared she's going to try to make conversation which I also will feel bad about.. So hopefully by the time I go out again to visit mikey, I cud grab a quick snack if she isn't downstairs in the kitchen because I haven't eaten yet.. (It's 1228)

Stomach Pains

I'm getting another stomach ache because I'm stressing way too much about school, and work. I was really hoping to give my parents back the truck so that they could sell it and get vacation money already, but with the way things are going-- I haven't found it in me to gather the energy to go makeup just 3 days worth of makeup time so that I can finally graduate for real. For the main reason that I just don't want my instructors thinking bad of me and asking why I didn't makeup this time earlier in the school year (I seem like a good student). Plus, I don't want to inconvenience them and look for a vacant seat. Or what happens if there's no available seat and they end up having to look for one in the other classrooms? It's just a big deal.. And I could cause such a big commotion..

And even then after my makeup times completed, that's where the real stress begins. I'm gunna have to take the tests, find a job that I'll be (at least) able to deal with so that I can get a car of my own. Then I gotta figure out how to do insurance for the car. Speaking of which I still have yet to get my passport and sscard. All this while I'm in a rush because I want my parents to get as much money as they can from selling the truck, but now I think I won't be fast enough..

So now I'm sitting here overthinking and stressing out and I can't sleep because now I got a stomach ache from it. I'm wondering if I should take meds just to sleep.. But my stomach was already upset really bad yesterday from taking the folic acid and Benadryl so now I'm scared to fucking take anything at all...and yesterday was the one day I actually set up an alarm and made myself sleep early.. Just my luck, right?