Wait so we argue about how you keep telling me to say shit to your face instead of texting, but when I do, you don't answer back?? Like... wtf??

Alone

There's just no me time.. Ever. It's all the same. My sister is just like my mom I feel it. She takes it personally when I want time to myself. She feels like she isn't fun enough to hang out with. Why must everyone do this? Why must they fucking do this. Why can't they just understand that I need this to function?? It's the same shit again. I need to find a job. I need to get out of here. I'm tired of dealing with bullshit like this. I am incapable of showing affection, so they assume I don't give a shit about them. All I can do is give them some time, but even with that its just not enough. Nothing I do is enough. No one ever sees how hard I try.. Hell even I wouldn't. Damnit.. I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate how I need to do so many things that take so much energy just to prove I do care, then have to take even more energy to continue to prove it because in order to reenergize I have to cancel all my effort to make it better. I waste energy to give them time (not to mention take more energy to seem happy and energized and hyper in order to hide my miserableness), then prove that time useless because then I have to take time off from them again to recharge. This is an endless cycle of tiredness that just .. I'm so fucking exhausted..why can't I just fucking end it. It's the same shit after the same shit.. All my energy and time is all a waste. I just am so fucking tired.. All the time...

Don't even want to go anymore.

Lost my buzz and excitement for the convention.. Fucking thirty bucks spent for nothing, don't even wanna fucking go anymore. I told myself OMG it's worth it but again my mom makes me feel like shit for spending money. Everything's just fucking money to her. Woke up today with a hangover and a nightmare then she walks in the room saying "oh my god aren't you spending a lot of money already?" When she never, not even after so many years, doesn't realize that I have a tendency and fixation on making myself feel bad for spending even three bucks on shit for myself. I ALWAYS get the cheapest possible version of shit I need. Wtf. Yesterday I accidentally blurted out a fraction of what was bothering me about Mikey when he's with other girls, then the whole rest of the night he avoids talking to me. He proceeds to disappear and turn off his gps outta nowhere yesterday, which gets on my anxiety cuz everyone got on me "how could you lose your mans" even though I'm already socially anxious with them still. The whole night he doesn't speak to me and doesn't even wake me up to get outta the car when we finally are dropped off home. I already feel horrible because he treats other girls and gives them more attention than me. He calls them sexy and pretty,, jokes about grabbing one girl's ass,, he picked one of his female friends up all cute like when he doesn't even do that to me anymore. He even hugs her for what feels like a thousand years just because he's mad at her. Besides that, being socially anxious, I have no friends except him, so I have no one to vent to about it. Hell he doesn't even really care much. He's always on his phone, doesn't ask how my day was. Which I already am iffy about because I know I don't have a job and he does so my day has no right to be horrible. Yes, I know,, I have no fucking right to feel horrible about anything because I don't make my own money. But I fucking do feel horrible. Fucking shit.. Every time I try to make myself feel better so that I can get to the point of feeling confident enough to do something and get energized. Anything to get rid of the anxiousness, it always gets shut down.

 I already couldn't get shit done this whole week, and literally only got everything just yesterday so I couldn't even start what I had to work on yesterday, so waking up to my mom getting on me-- I just lost my shit.

Confidence

Snowboarding went horribly. I felt bad the whole time, I knew I was going to have a problem learning it cuz there was so much people, and I just felt worse because I didn't know what to do. I felt bad for not knowing what to do at the very beginning because I didn't know how to put on the gear so I had to take forever when all the pros just wanted to go already. Mikey was off doing his own thing and busy talk and joking around with his friends so I didn't wanna ask. 

Then when we actually snowboarded I was fine at first, but I felt bad the whole time so I tried to rush myself to learn the shit and ended up falling the wrong ways that a couple of time my knees and wrists hurt already. Then when I wanted to walk down I kept telling Mikey to leave because we were already taking too long but he wouldn't leave. So then he said we should go down the expert hill  which he said would be quicker since it's straight down, but me being my first time and being afraid of heights just freaked out. I was already I confident to begin with, felt bad because I was such a slow learner, we already took almost two hours to get to probably a quarter of the way down, it's all my fault we were taking so long, it's my fault I suck, I feel bad because he wasn't running it with his friends, I felt embarrassed that we were walking down or sliding on my butt the whole way down while experts who passed us probably wondered what we're doing, so I ended up crying because I finally admitted to myself that I was scared of heights and it looked like I was on a cliff and I was scared we were going to get in trouble or worse fall down.  So I just lost it.

Right now I'm at the shop, in the corner. I really am tired, sore, and really don't have the energy to socialize right now. Don't even want to talk to Mikey because I feel bad that I wasn't pro enough. My confidence is just shot and I'm not in the mood to deal with anything--especially not anyone right now. I just feel like shit. And I know if I didn't go to the shop today, he probably wouldn't have gone so I feel like I'm holding back. I feel like shit right now.

I'm just gunna do my best to hide how I feel, worried it's not gunna show but I really don't want them to think I'm a bitch for being on my phone. Laughing at jokes when I'm really not in a good mood.. And they're making jokes about how One of their friends is having anxiety because he's scared his girlfriend is cheating,, although Mikey knows I know how that feels. He seems to always forget that.

 I'm just tired. 

Indecisiveness

I guess I frustrate myself a lot. And no I didn't just realize it, it's just hard to explain or even understand why. As for who I really am.. I'm a hollow, cold, selfish person who only truly cares about myself. But then..  There's just too many things that are, well, they don't exactly make sense and maybe that's why a lot of times I'm having problems figuring out who exactly I am. My whole existence is based off of two ways or cancel outs. I love being alone and spending time with myself because I feel comfortable, BUT I hate being alone and left to my own thoughts, and I feel like I need to be surrounded by people or else I'll be scared and depressed. I'm numb, and a lot of times don't care about the situation, BUT when something happens good or bad it hits me really bad and I become an emotional train wreck. I don't give a shit about how other people feel sometimes or if they hurt or are sad, sometimes even when it comes to dealing with death and sympathy or empathy or whatever, it's awkward for me, BUT I want to help that person become happy again and I want to do everything I can to make them feel better. I was born a quiet, selfish and cold and maybe even narcissistic person, BUT with the way I was morally taught and grew up makes me utterly HATE who I am and denies it or doesn't accept it so I "act" on what I was told was right, which then sometimes leads to times when I felt it was rehearsed the  hate myself for not being true to myself. Everything about me  cancels out another thing about me and it doesn't make sense. I heard libras are by nature indecisive but is this even indecisiveness anymore? To me, as a person-- who I am is just controversial. There's no definite, and I hate it. It's like I don't know who I really am. I know everyone has problems figuring out who they are but this is ridiculous. Everytime I did questionnaires, half of the questions I couldn't decide when it came to answering questions about who I was because so many thing about me are indefinite. I just.. I pisses me off..

Judgement

I already feel bad about living here.. I have no right to say anything. I could see why they'd question why I'm always in the room, and assume I'm not doing anything. Of course they'd question if I was sick? Sometimes I even curse myself because I'd rather be sick than have s.a.d. How sick in the head and selfish am I to wish that? It's no surprise that they'd judge me, and assume. With everything that's happening recently I just..I can't even comfort my mom when she took a trip to the Philippines because my grandmother is sick.. I can't talk or soothe anyone's pain.. What kind of person am I? I'm the eldest. I should know these things..   I hate it. I really fucking hate it.. 

Can't

One thing you cannot do is really on people to support you. There will always be doubt. 

I doubt myself enough as it is but it just gets so much worse when I hear people around me doubt me, too. I don't need it or want it. But you really can't expect them not to, I mean to them it's nothing. They don't understand how hard it is because really everything that's a battle for you is a breeze to them. 

I was ill prepared for today. I relied too much on the expectation that I would get support. Next week will be different.