Indecisiveness

I guess I frustrate myself a lot. And no I didn't just realize it, it's just hard to explain or even understand why. As for who I really am.. I'm a hollow, cold, selfish person who only truly cares about myself. But then..  There's just too many things that are, well, they don't exactly make sense and maybe that's why a lot of times I'm having problems figuring out who exactly I am. My whole existence is based off of two ways or cancel outs. I love being alone and spending time with myself because I feel comfortable, BUT I hate being alone and left to my own thoughts, and I feel like I need to be surrounded by people or else I'll be scared and depressed. I'm numb, and a lot of times don't care about the situation, BUT when something happens good or bad it hits me really bad and I become an emotional train wreck. I don't give a shit about how other people feel sometimes or if they hurt or are sad, sometimes even when it comes to dealing with death and sympathy or empathy or whatever, it's awkward for me, BUT I want to help that person become happy again and I want to do everything I can to make them feel better. I was born a quiet, selfish and cold and maybe even narcissistic person, BUT with the way I was morally taught and grew up makes me utterly HATE who I am and denies it or doesn't accept it so I "act" on what I was told was right, which then sometimes leads to times when I felt it was rehearsed the  hate myself for not being true to myself. Everything about me  cancels out another thing about me and it doesn't make sense. I heard libras are by nature indecisive but is this even indecisiveness anymore? To me, as a person-- who I am is just controversial. There's no definite, and I hate it. It's like I don't know who I really am. I know everyone has problems figuring out who they are but this is ridiculous. Everytime I did questionnaires, half of the questions I couldn't decide when it came to answering questions about who I was because so many thing about me are indefinite. I just.. I pisses me off..

Judgement

I already feel bad about living here.. I have no right to say anything. I could see why they'd question why I'm always in the room, and assume I'm not doing anything. Of course they'd question if I was sick? Sometimes I even curse myself because I'd rather be sick than have s.a.d. How sick in the head and selfish am I to wish that? It's no surprise that they'd judge me, and assume. With everything that's happening recently I just..I can't even comfort my mom when she took a trip to the Philippines because my grandmother is sick.. I can't talk or soothe anyone's pain.. What kind of person am I? I'm the eldest. I should know these things..   I hate it. I really fucking hate it.. 

Can't

One thing you cannot do is really on people to support you. There will always be doubt. 

I doubt myself enough as it is but it just gets so much worse when I hear people around me doubt me, too. I don't need it or want it. But you really can't expect them not to, I mean to them it's nothing. They don't understand how hard it is because really everything that's a battle for you is a breeze to them. 

I was ill prepared for today. I relied too much on the expectation that I would get support. Next week will be different.