Holidays

At times I can ignore it and other times I don't even try. I feel like there's so much anxiety building up beneath the surface. I'm not sure if I'm completely okay with it and over it or just trying to ignore and deny it or numb myself from it. So far it feels nice to not worry, but then I guess it sort of allows other anxieties to become prevalent. Like how I'm shit compared to my cousins who are younger than me. They can socialize and learn things quickly. They're so out of my league on many levels and it's killing me because I'm the first born in amarica and the oldest. It doesn't help when my bf belittles me and reminds me how stupid and forgetful I am and I just can't take it today at all. I just feel like.. Iunno I kinda hoped our ft or conversation would be more cheerful or lovey dicey but it hasn't been. I may be taking it too seriously but right now I don't even know if I care. Of course I'm upset but.. Oh well I guess.

Expectations

His locations been off for about an hour and a half now, but I don't really feel anything. I should be upset and I should be anxious but part of me just doesn't care. Or maybe I just am tired. Maybe I just don't want to care or I'm denying it? I feel cold and numb and dizzy and nauseous.. But what's new? It only takes an hour of not knowing where he is for him to cheat on me obviously. But it's not like he cares. He's probably doing this to spite me and spike some kind of reaction in me because I haven't been answering his face times and texts. He probably got a little anxious.. But does he even have the right to be worried? I've never cheated on him. He's the one who did. I don't know what's going on with me recently. 

Yesterday we had sex. I didn't find it in me to climax and all I could do was be distracted the whole time. I've been stressed and sleeping at weird schedules. It seems to bother him but he doesn't ask at all about why I'm sleeping late anyway--which to me means he just doesn't care anymore because it's always the same shit. He used to ask me about those things. He used to not leave alone until I told him. He used to make sure I was okay. But now.. 

I am aware and know that the minute I pull the same stunts he does, that'll enable him to cheat again. I know him that well. Once I disappear from the map for a while, he will assume the worst even though I've done nothing to make him think that. Part of me wants to scream. He doesn't care anymore if I cry or not. Maybe I'm just a really good actress. Maybe he can't tell because I've always been trying to laugh and smile like everything's okay for so long that he can't tell the difference anymore. Either way.. I'm really not okay.. There are times when I do get upset and quiet, but at the same time he always seems frustrated and tired all the time so I don't want to bother him about my shit. I mean what really do I have to complain about? Normal people don't complain about the shit that I do. Of course he's get mad at me. Things I find that are a big deal are nothing to normal people. No wonder he doesn't care anymore.

Dull

So I went through my bf's phone again, it's been about a month since I've done this. I've been able to trust him more since at the beginning I haven't seen anything wrong. Sure there've been times that a text was deleted here and there, chats that he didn't show me, but it's mostly been okay. Gradually I've gotten to the stage in at now where I only occasionally check it instead of every night like I used to. It's not like I'm not allowed to, he says I have access to everything, and I do have all his passwords. Just to show that he's not cheating on me again. But I didn't mean to but I did accidentally click on one of his convos with one of his guy friends (maybe one of his closest friends) and I may be taking it as a big deal, but it's a big step from nothing at all.. While we went to his stepdads birthday party at this buffet (relatives and friends are there too), he apparently sent a text to him saying "yo idk who this girl is but she been hanging around the family a lot. Hot asf." His friend then responds by "smh lol". Then he sends the pic of the whole fam and the pic includes me so that's why idk if he's kidding or not. Because all my bf types after that is "she gotta booty" then the convo ends. It strikes a nerve cuz the convo seems to end exactly there without saying who the girl is. If he's joking and saying its me or not. I may be overthinking but lately I've been feeling distant from him. Like he resents me because atm I don't have a job and I'm not going to school, etc. I also feel like our interests have really strayed apart. He doesn't give a shit about my interests and I try my best to keep up with his and talk about it but obv I'm not as smart as he is when it comes to all the stuff he knows. So rn I ended up overthinking and didn't get much sleep.. I had to fake myself last night.. I don't know if he wants me here anymore.. 

Yes, I am stressed out about a lot of other things and that could be why I'm like this and probably paranoid but.. He doesn't really even seem to care.. I mean he is the one that's working so I really shouldn't be complaining about anything right? 

I hate my s.a.d. because rn I really wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff but I don't.. All my btwn friends and acquaintance people are friends/acquaintances through him so.. Sigh.. 

Numb

I'm beginning to sleep later and later these days.. I still haven't filled out the form yet just because of the two bits of information that I don't have. I'm dreading over it like crazy. What if they ask me about it.. What if they ask me about why I don't know it or why I took so long to fill out a form when I've lost the damn document almost two months ago? What if they yell at me for being stupid and saying I should know that information I don't have? What if I can't get a replacement because of it? What if I have to be forced to answer more questions that I don't know about the documents I lost then they think I'm a fucking idiot? All this I'm dreading over one fucking bit of info. Not to mention all the shit I'm worried about just by going there. I'm scared I'm going to stutter or make something up or say something stupid. They're going to think I'm so irresponsible..

Anyway I went to a hang out and I was proud of myself that it didn't go as awkward as I thought it would. Of course that's probably because of the help of alcohol. I honestly don't know how I am not an alcoholic by now. Oh wait, it's because I can't drink too much because of the fear of getting a uti again. Anyway, my boyfriend's friends girlfriend told me to text her. I haven't yet, and I'm scared if I should..girls are so much harder to talk to.. I don't know what to talk about with them.. I'm not sure why.. I am a girl so.. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore.. But should I even try, they're probably only being friends with me because of my boyfriend.. If me and my boyfriend broke up they'd probably never speak to me again.. But why would they? I can't make friends on my own.. I don't know how, and even if I tried so hard look where it got me.. My only real friend is my boyfriend, and the closest friend I got is across the country.. Sigh.. Why even try.. I worked so hard only to end up ..

I want to be friends with them .. I want to know how to be close and less awkward. But me overthinking only makes me seem all the more needy and creepy doesn't it.. No I shouldn't have friends. I don't want to ever come off as needy and creepy again. 

Besides that I heard one of my boyfriends friends has s.a.d. as well. But I got jealous because she's the manager of a boutique.. It burned me up inside.. How can she--with her s.a.d. have a manager position?? I don't even have a job because even thinking of the interview and talking to people gets me nervous and anxious that it hurts.. I'm so fucking jealous.. But he said she was being crazy and stupid and that she doesn't have it. I honestly don't know her, but if she doesn't I can't help but be mad she would claim that.. I was so happy that maybe I could relate to someone and maybe strive for something but if she's making it up..I hate liars.. 

I've made up my mind that Monday I'm going to make up time. I have to. Prolonging going back will only make them question me more about why I didn't do it sooner.. Sigh.. They're inevitably going to ask because I seem like such a fucking good student just because I don't talk a lot.. Damnit..