Holidays

At times I can ignore it and other times I don't even try. I feel like there's so much anxiety building up beneath the surface. I'm not sure if I'm completely okay with it and over it or just trying to ignore and deny it or numb myself from it. So far it feels nice to not worry, but then I guess it sort of allows other anxieties to become prevalent. Like how I'm shit compared to my cousins who are younger than me. They can socialize and learn things quickly. They're so out of my league on many levels and it's killing me because I'm the first born in amarica and the oldest. It doesn't help when my bf belittles me and reminds me how stupid and forgetful I am and I just can't take it today at all. I just feel like.. Iunno I kinda hoped our ft or conversation would be more cheerful or lovey dicey but it hasn't been. I may be taking it too seriously but right now I don't even know if I care. Of course I'm upset but.. Oh well I guess.