Expectations

His locations been off for about an hour and a half now, but I don't really feel anything. I should be upset and I should be anxious but part of me just doesn't care. Or maybe I just am tired. Maybe I just don't want to care or I'm denying it? I feel cold and numb and dizzy and nauseous.. But what's new? It only takes an hour of not knowing where he is for him to cheat on me obviously. But it's not like he cares. He's probably doing this to spite me and spike some kind of reaction in me because I haven't been answering his face times and texts. He probably got a little anxious.. But does he even have the right to be worried? I've never cheated on him. He's the one who did. I don't know what's going on with me recently. 

Yesterday we had sex. I didn't find it in me to climax and all I could do was be distracted the whole time. I've been stressed and sleeping at weird schedules. It seems to bother him but he doesn't ask at all about why I'm sleeping late anyway--which to me means he just doesn't care anymore because it's always the same shit. He used to ask me about those things. He used to not leave alone until I told him. He used to make sure I was okay. But now.. 

I am aware and know that the minute I pull the same stunts he does, that'll enable him to cheat again. I know him that well. Once I disappear from the map for a while, he will assume the worst even though I've done nothing to make him think that. Part of me wants to scream. He doesn't care anymore if I cry or not. Maybe I'm just a really good actress. Maybe he can't tell because I've always been trying to laugh and smile like everything's okay for so long that he can't tell the difference anymore. Either way.. I'm really not okay.. There are times when I do get upset and quiet, but at the same time he always seems frustrated and tired all the time so I don't want to bother him about my shit. I mean what really do I have to complain about? Normal people don't complain about the shit that I do. Of course he's get mad at me. Things I find that are a big deal are nothing to normal people. No wonder he doesn't care anymore.