Numb

I'm beginning to sleep later and later these days.. I still haven't filled out the form yet just because of the two bits of information that I don't have. I'm dreading over it like crazy. What if they ask me about it.. What if they ask me about why I don't know it or why I took so long to fill out a form when I've lost the damn document almost two months ago? What if they yell at me for being stupid and saying I should know that information I don't have? What if I can't get a replacement because of it? What if I have to be forced to answer more questions that I don't know about the documents I lost then they think I'm a fucking idiot? All this I'm dreading over one fucking bit of info. Not to mention all the shit I'm worried about just by going there. I'm scared I'm going to stutter or make something up or say something stupid. They're going to think I'm so irresponsible..

Anyway I went to a hang out and I was proud of myself that it didn't go as awkward as I thought it would. Of course that's probably because of the help of alcohol. I honestly don't know how I am not an alcoholic by now. Oh wait, it's because I can't drink too much because of the fear of getting a uti again. Anyway, my boyfriend's friends girlfriend told me to text her. I haven't yet, and I'm scared if I should..girls are so much harder to talk to.. I don't know what to talk about with them.. I'm not sure why.. I am a girl so.. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore.. But should I even try, they're probably only being friends with me because of my boyfriend.. If me and my boyfriend broke up they'd probably never speak to me again.. But why would they? I can't make friends on my own.. I don't know how, and even if I tried so hard look where it got me.. My only real friend is my boyfriend, and the closest friend I got is across the country.. Sigh.. Why even try.. I worked so hard only to end up ..

I want to be friends with them .. I want to know how to be close and less awkward. But me overthinking only makes me seem all the more needy and creepy doesn't it.. No I shouldn't have friends. I don't want to ever come off as needy and creepy again. 

Besides that I heard one of my boyfriends friends has s.a.d. as well. But I got jealous because she's the manager of a boutique.. It burned me up inside.. How can she--with her s.a.d. have a manager position?? I don't even have a job because even thinking of the interview and talking to people gets me nervous and anxious that it hurts.. I'm so fucking jealous.. But he said she was being crazy and stupid and that she doesn't have it. I honestly don't know her, but if she doesn't I can't help but be mad she would claim that.. I was so happy that maybe I could relate to someone and maybe strive for something but if she's making it up..I hate liars.. 

I've made up my mind that Monday I'm going to make up time. I have to. Prolonging going back will only make them question me more about why I didn't do it sooner.. Sigh.. They're inevitably going to ask because I seem like such a fucking good student just because I don't talk a lot.. Damnit..